Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
