I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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