You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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