If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
