when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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