if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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