I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
