Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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