i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
