shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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