I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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