that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
well you can't waste a boner
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
