it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
