I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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