hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
