Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
