I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Congratulations! We have a period
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
