nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
