I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
