Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
