a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Found the puke drawer
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
