I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
