Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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