I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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