So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
