Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
