my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
