Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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