I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
