you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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