she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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