Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
