why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
