Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
