Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
