Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
