and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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