Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
