Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
