I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
