last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
