so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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