A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
