Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
