dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
