Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
