I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
