There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
