Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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