my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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