dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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