if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
