dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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