We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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