i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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