I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
