then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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